beetfutures
Hello then!
I've noticed some changin'. Things change. Change abounds. X changes into Other. Other changes x. Universe. Flowering. Hm.
I took a peek at my new year's resolutions from, well, six months ago:
- every single day, further my development of self-awareness & self-discipline.
- every single day, speak only th truth - speak not lies - learn to think in E Prime.
- every single day, actively embrace with joy (& never with terror) th absurdity of th universe.
I have, I think, made some progress w/ these. Hm, but where do I start explaining that? I've done so little blogging, I don't know where to start w/ all this.
Taking a step back, I should probably talk about my "relationship," which has changed dramatically in th past month or so. My image of myself as future step-father & future husband I have abandoned. I think that image rested on lies I told myself anyway. When I leave Chicago, I will have left Tiffany's & Jordan's intimate circle. No longer do I want to pursue a relationship there. Something didn't work for us. I could pick it apart for years if I really wanted to, but I don't. It didn't work; I need to leave.
You might call my leaving selfish. Perhaps. But staying means stagnation. & if I stayed, I could only see things getting worse.
But I leave to somewhere, as I've said, to th School for Designing a Society, & to th town called Urbana that th School calls home. This excites me more than anything. Big changes have happened to point me this way; big changes will happen once I start my new life.
I've done quite a bit of reflecting offline lately (using pens & pages of paper, no less!) to help me see my thought process, call myself on my ego-bullshit, etc. It has helped me quite a bit. I have started letting go of some nasty demons (& I have others yet to engage w/).
I've started a project of breath meditation. As I walk my dogs, sit in chairs, spin th wheels of my bike, I observe my breathing. Often, I synchronize my breathing w/ my footsteps or pedaling. Deeper breaths, longer breaths, w/ longer pauses at th beginning & end of th inhale & exhale; this kind of breathing has helped me this week. I intend to continue this rewarding project.
I have started questioning my use of alcohol & caffeine in certain circumstances. They make things easy; relaxing in social situations, engaging in a universe that I perceive as uncomfortable, etc. But lately I've started forcing myself to find non-chemical solutions to engagement issues. If a chemical can do it, I can do it. Breathing helps, & sleeping & eating right, & simply remaining open.
I want to make sure I don't need th chemical - but if I decide that I want it, that I don't mind sacrificing a bit of self-control to make things go smoothly, I still allow it.
A big thing: I have started looking at my hate & anger & finding ways to transmogrify it into love. Altho I don't always succeed at this, I often do, & just having that intention helps me. I want love instead of hate because it feels better, because it makes th world seem much more beautiful, because, if I could choose th world I lived in, I'd choose of world devoid of hate entirely. Because hate means suffering, & if I can choose not to suffer right now, why would I choose to suffer? I say this because I don't believe in th rhetoric of "altruism" for its own sake. I consider it much more healthy to acknowledge how love & helping others helps me. I want it in my life.
(I'd like to say more about this. Maybe in a future post.)
I remain vegan. I love it. I couldn't see myself dating a non-vegan now.
I mention all these projects to demonstrate how I've changed. These changes may have a lot to do w/ my relationship changing. I have become someone incompatible w/ Tiffany & Jordan. It feels bittersweet. I'll miss them; but I feel really optimistic about my new direction!
Ok, there. I've blathered. I send my love to y'all.
Beetfutures, Andrew.
(p.s. I have lots to say about th E-Prime project, but I'll leave that alone for now.)
