Saturday, October 13, 2007

dark night of th soul

Th time has come for me to reassess my goals with Greenpeace.

Why do I canvass?

.. To secure new members for Greenpeace so it can continue to defend th Earth.
.. To make enough money to live.
.. Because I already have this job & I'm used to it.
.. Because I work with amazing people that delight me.
.. To allow myself to replace my 'I'm not a people-person' programming script with an 'I can talk to & relate to anyone' programming script.
.. Because I can canvass well.

Securing New Members

On an abstract, logical level, I see th connection between my conversations, my sign-ups, & th great work that Greenpeace does all over th world. Lately, I've had trouble feeling motivated by that. Members leads to support leads to good work leads to a healthier planet, I know, but on a day-to-day basis, standing on street corners, that seems too abstract to inspire me recently.

Affording to Live

Important. I've finally stopped needing support from my mother for student loan payments, cell phone bills, rent, car insurance, etc. I live with Tiffany & Jordan now, & I help them every way that I can. I'm not getting rich, that's for sure, but I'm not freaking out about bills. I can actually afford to relax, eat out now & then, pick up new books, & other such little niceties. Th money issue inspires me to keep doing this job, but it doesn't make me like it.

I'm Used to This Job

I found that I can do this. This is what I do. What would be th alternative to canvassing? I don't want to substitute teach again. I'm still unsure about teaching music, also. Yes, I'd enjoy doing more of my own music - sometimes it really gets me down that I'm not - but I can't survive as a full time Nodal Nimist! In general, job hunting terrifies me. In Greenpeace, I have found employment.

Amazing People

I've never known as many fantastic, interesting, intelligent, warm, alive, intriguing, hilarious, inspiring, beautiful, complex people as I do now through Greenpeace! Altho I still miss so many Troy & Potsdam friends, I feel very loved here now. I would miss these people unbearably if I didn't see them five to seven days a week.

Developing a 'People-Person' Script

I (like all humans) cling desperately to my limited definition of myself, my habits, my ego. My self-consciousness has th potential to socially paralyze me. When I succeed in 'getting over myself,' I can canvass. All that exists in those moments is canvassing. No 'Andrew' (as I define him) & no 'Stranger' (also my definition). This doesn't happen all th time. It comes in waves. When I cannot reach this place, & languish, suffer, stress out, get angry & spiteful, fail to canvass. I want very much to shed this self-consciousness. In fact, I've seen myself do things on th street I would never have thought possible, things that would terrify me if I let them but can seem so easy! Lately, I've been pulling back from that, back into my own shell, back into 'Unfriendly Andrew,' my self-fulfilling prophesy, my illusionary ego creation, my stumbling block.

Skillful Canvassing

I can do this job. I know I can. I've done it. What seemed impossible I proved possible months ago. When I see this happen, it builds on itself, & I kick butt. Confidence helps me soar. Lately I've forgotten this, fallen back to bad habits, lost confidence. But I know I can do this. I need to remind myself. I need to prove it to myself again. I need to get over myself.

My canvassing funk has reached an all-time low. Three days in, I have signed up no new members. I'm behind expectations & requirements. I can't help but have thoughts like "I can't do this, I suck at this, I'm in th wrong job, I hate these people, these people hate me, I'd rather be home in bed, I bet I won't sign anyone up today, they're going to fire me, what am I doing here?". But I have a couple days of weekend to reflect now, to reassess. I had something & allowed myself to drop it. Well, now I'm going to pick myself back up. Now I'm going to face my fears & bruised ego & trepidation & make something new happen. I'm going to evolve.

I will emerge victorious from this dark night of th soul.


Rebelfish said...

Hey ther. I'm sure canvassing wil get easier agin. Just wait until there's another global warming report out, or Bush doesn something for the coal or oil industry, and you'll hav plenty of pepl sining up. Glad you're making it okay in Chicago. Classes are really something else at Columbia. Much more hard stuff than any I've taken as an undergrad. I think I'm finally getting the hang of things, which is good cuz mid terms are in 2 weeks.

Rebelfish said...

And also never fear, because Greenpeace is urging people to eat kangaroos.

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