Some I-can't-do-withouts

Imagining lovers. What qualities/behaviors could I not do without? A preliminary brainstorm.

• (appreciation of) absurdist humor
  
• (stated) desire to cultivate compassion for all beings
  
• identification as any (not necessarily all) of th following: feminist, anarchist, social change artist, strong agnostic, metaclown
  
• love of affection, including (but not merely) sexual affection
  
• sensitive nipples
  
• stated preference for variety & spontaneity
  
• rejection of (traditional language around) sin, gender norms, capitalism, money, faith, pop culture, sacredness
  
• ok w/ (some) biting
  
• ok w/ (some) oral sex
  
• (comfort being) orgasmic
  
• at least vegetarian, & preferably vegan
  
• interest in metaconversation & legitimate questions
  
• hairiness & general comfort w/ "being a mammal"

Not an exhaustive list, but good to see & share. Given this specificity, it's no wonder I don't have a lover in my life. But, fuck, I deserve someone this good.

beetfutures

Hello then!

I've noticed some changin'. Things change. Change abounds. X changes into Other. Other changes x. Universe. Flowering. Hm.

I took a peek at my new year's resolutions from, well, six months ago:

1. every single day, further my development of self-awareness & self-discipline.
   
2. every single day, speak only th truth - speak not lies - learn to think in E Prime.
   
3. every single day, actively embrace with joy (& never with terror) th absurdity of th universe.

I have, I think, made some progress w/ these. Hm, but where do I start explaining that? I've done so little blogging, I don't know where to start w/ all this.

Taking a step back, I should probably talk about my "relationship," which has changed dramatically in th past month or so. My image of myself as future step-father & future husband I have abandoned. I think that image rested on lies I told myself anyway. When I leave Chicago, I will have left Tiffany's & Jordan's intimate circle. No longer do I want to pursue a relationship there. Something didn't work for us. I could pick it apart for years if I really wanted to, but I don't. It didn't work; I need to leave.

You might call my leaving selfish. Perhaps. But staying means stagnation. & if I stayed, I could only see things getting worse.

But I leave to somewhere, as I've said, to th School for Designing a Society, & to th town called Urbana that th School calls home. This excites me more than anything. Big changes have happened to point me this way; big changes will happen once I start my new life.

I've done quite a bit of reflecting offline lately (using pens & pages of paper, no less!) to help me see my thought process, call myself on my ego-bullshit, etc. It has helped me quite a bit. I have started letting go of some nasty demons (& I have others yet to engage w/).

I've started a project of breath meditation. As I walk my dogs, sit in chairs, spin th wheels of my bike, I observe my breathing. Often, I synchronize my breathing w/ my footsteps or pedaling. Deeper breaths, longer breaths, w/ longer pauses at th beginning & end of th inhale & exhale; this kind of breathing has helped me this week. I intend to continue this rewarding project.

I have started questioning my use of alcohol & caffeine in certain circumstances. They make things easy; relaxing in social situations, engaging in a universe that I perceive as uncomfortable, etc. But lately I've started forcing myself to find non-chemical solutions to engagement issues. If a chemical can do it, I can do it. Breathing helps, & sleeping & eating right, & simply remaining open.

I want to make sure I don't need th chemical - but if I decide that I want it, that I don't mind sacrificing a bit of self-control to make things go smoothly, I still allow it.

A big thing: I have started looking at my hate & anger & finding ways to transmogrify it into love. Altho I don't always succeed at this, I often do, & just having that intention helps me. I want love instead of hate because it feels better, because it makes th world seem much more beautiful, because, if I could choose th world I lived in, I'd choose of world devoid of hate entirely. Because hate means suffering, & if I can choose not to suffer right now, why would I choose to suffer? I say this because I don't believe in th rhetoric of "altruism" for its own sake. I consider it much more healthy to acknowledge how love & helping others helps me. I want it in my life.

(I'd like to say more about this. Maybe in a future post.)

I remain vegan. I love it. I couldn't see myself dating a non-vegan now.

I mention all these projects to demonstrate how I've changed. These changes may have a lot to do w/ my relationship changing. I have become someone incompatible w/ Tiffany & Jordan. It feels bittersweet. I'll miss them; but I feel really optimistic about my new direction!

Ok, there. I've blathered. I send my love to y'all.

Beetfutures, Andrew.


(p.s. I have lots to say about th E-Prime project, but I'll leave that alone for now.)

Home [is where th absinthe isn't]

So I moved officially into Tiffany's apartment last week (while she & Jordan, her 10-year-old, were both away in Vermont), & now that they're back, we're doing some things to get organized. Kitchen things are put away, th SEGA Genesis & Nintendo (old school!) are both set up, & my tie rack sits proudly on th bedroom wall. Much work remains yet to be done, but I look forward to doing it.

FNORD!

I made a fantastic vegan sandwich just a moment ago! It consists of:

.. green beans
.. tarragon
.. cashews
.. peanut butter
.. vegan buttery spread (Soy Garden)
.. black pepper
.. sunflower seed bread

I stir fried th veggies, then fried th bread like a grilled cheese, with butter on th outside & peanut butter on th inside (to help th ingredients stick). Th Soy Garden works just like butter for frying & spreading!

=Hooray!

~ a vegan, domestic, overbearded aah

p.s. Don't drink absinthe. You will regret it. Especially if you're "trying to sober up." Don't do it. Not even two little swigs. Not even if you see your friends waving their fingers in front of your face & hear them saying, "absinthe... absinthe... absinthe..." as if trying to inspire a psychedelic experience for you. Even if th absinthe appears blue. That's no excuse. You will regret it.

veganism hello

Hello.

I really can't take th Hare Krishnas seriously, I decided. I won't accept any religion that takes its books literally. I heart healthy skepticism.

In th meantime, I've just finished moving into Tiffany & Jordan's apartment. I'd lived with George all year, but had spent much of my time there, so now I've made th move. I feel good about it.

I decided to embrace veganism, th boycotting of all products that come from animals. Since sixth grade, I've practiced vegetarianism, th boycotting of all meat products. I have done this not because I think humans shouldn't eat animals (historically, humans have always demonstrated omnivorous behavior, hunting & gathering, farming plants & domesticating animals), but because th meat industry raises animals in miserable conditions wherein they suffer as lifeless objects for our abuse. Meat in modern times implies animal abuse, which I decidedly do not condone.

Veganism goes one step further, refusing not only meat, but milk, eggs, cheese, honey, butter, etc. Obviously, it requires more discipline, since dairy products appear in many more foodthings than meat products. I used to say, "Cows don't die to make milk," which skirts th issue that, altho they don't die, they live unnatural lives wallowing in their own filth, hooked up to machines in factory farms, getting pumped full of hormones. Dairy in modern time also implies animals abuse - I knew this for years but chose to ignore it. I didn't want to commit to such a disciplined eating constraint.

But since starting at Greenpeace, I've met a handful of vegans who have shown me that veganism can work. It doesn't take much to become cognizant of animal products & avoid them in all forms. I feel great about my decision to stop lying to myself & stand up against an effed up form of animal torture.