ravings from a former cog

Important Decision Day, 'tis. Since December, I've found myself hopping all over Chicago subbing in [mostly crappy] elementary schools, grinding, grinding, grinding. Some days go well, some haunt me still, but ultimately, I feel like I do nothing. I come into a class, mess around with some 9-year-olds, survive th day, & then go home. I do no good.

With one exception: I spent a month in one class, filling in for a teacher who had broken his leg. I felt like I really helped these troubled kids during my time there, & I miss it a lot.

I don't get that feeling anywhere else.

So I've decided: I will do no more subbing unless a.) I get called to do music (really do it, not stand around & show videos!) or b.) I get called back to th school I spent so much time at already. I got all I wanted out of subbing in other situations - I learned much about classroom management & authority in general (some things I didn't want to know), & now I just spin my wheels, grind, grind, grind. I would rather slop coffee again.

I don't believe in traditional classrooms. They turn people into cogs to fit into th cold unenlightened machine called USA. They attempt to destroy real, real critical thinking, break th spirits of th rebels (this world needs rebels more than cogs, dammit!), make people stupid & complacent. If you can make it through public school, you can make it in a factory, grinding, grinding, grinding.

I need to work in music, not traditional classrooms, turning people on. Setting fires in th right hemisphere, cultivating creative chaos - inspiring human beings, not industrial robots. I can't do that as a sub, & it has worn me down. I've grown weary of schools & children & classrooms; I dread going back there. I feel myself burning out. I see it in so many teachers that have surrendered to th destructive forces of our consumer culture & ignorance. I don't want to live like that.

This will hurt my bank account (which already hurts - th meager pay I get for doing this only adds to th general degradation I feel). I will need to find coffee / temp work for th summer ASAP. I have willingness to do many things, but I need to get out of th schools.

So I plan to work on an updated resume later today. I want to start hunting for music teacher positions, also. By September, I expect to have Illinois certification.

(Why did I move to Chicago & not San Francisco?)

Ok, I have finished raving & ranting.

I feel good about this decision.

FNORD

I miss my New York friends super-lots. I will surely come home during th summer, probably in July. In th meantime, I invite all friends with th time & moolah to visit. Our couch welcomes you! I want to take you all out for Mexican food & used books!

Much love,
Androse

PE & Stuff

Phys. Ed. for me today, which actually means making kids sit & watch educational videos. It makes for a pretty laid-back day, which I don't mind. Got some seventh graders coming in any second now. . . .

I return after hosting seventh, eighth, & third graders for more sit-in-your-chairs-&-don't-get-up fun. Not so bad. I've got fifth graders coming in 45 minutes or so, but I feel ready to hit th hay right now.

le FNORD

I did some work on an album of all new Nimmery last night. A few weeks back I improvised music to 23 nonsensical poems I wrote, playing & singing whatever seemed inappropriate at th time. Now I have th challenge of figuring out what I played so I can add bass, percussion & Stuff. I deconstructed & bassified six of them last night, which represents a good start, I think.

sub shoes

Another funky day of submarining. Th janitor & I are commiserating about students - their tricks, their messes, th way they try to "play" you. Noisy bunch today, but we got through it. It's my "planning period" now, which means no kids for me, so I'm typing & talking. 5th grade. Nowhere near th worst class I've had.

This entry is not about shoes.

buskings

I should mention th buskings I have done. Late Sunday evening, I returned to Milwaukee av & had a bit of fun entertaining fellow meat bots. Early Monday evening, I found myself somewhere around Cedar & State & did a few tunes there as well. A few different ways of playing & doing did I discover in enjoyment of things.

However, I continue not going in to submarine, which means I continue inflicting poverty upon myself. Upon th conclusion of th month, I will go "Aargh!"

My old friend Jen Abounader has very recently recorded an enhanced version of my old song I am systems, with newly penned lyrics from her brain! At this moment, sitting in th library, I cannot listen, but I imagine I will find it wonderful & certainly flattering. I told her I'd start performing it with her new lyrics & introduce it as a song written by myself & my friend Jen. Yay! People don't do things like this often enough.

Many hearts.

~a

Androse th Pagan

I have a delightfully not-insane submarining class today.

I started a new belief experiment (I stopped assigning Tarot Card Programs for each day). I base it on Peter Carroll's idea of Random Belief. He identifies six basic beliefs, which he says occur in humans cyclically. Six "to permit the use of the sacred cube," in other words, a six-sided die. He gives:

Dice Option Number 1: Paganism
Dice Option Number 2: Monotheism
Dice Option Number 3: Atheism
Dice Option Number 4: Nihilism (Late Atheism)
Dice Option Number 5: Chaoism
Dice Option Number 6: Superstition (Low Chaoism)

Yesterday, I rolled a 3, Atheism. I found it pretty easy, since I've spent many a happy day in this reality tunnel anyway. I used th mantra, "Let's stick to what's real, shall we?" I bought a book on Chaos Theory.

Today, I rolled a 1, Paganism, & so I've spent my time searching & finding Gods & Goddesses everywhere. Here's what I've got in my files so far:

Oogwee - God of Peanuts
yellow monkey head - metal teeth - speaks by telepathy

Meligoopf - Goddess of Lapsang Souchong
thick woman of vines - dark brown with orange flecks - loud raspy laugh

Lemibush - Deity of Unexpectedly Finding Things
hermaphrodite - crocidile shoulders - triangular - 19 eyes - gray skin

Soppit - Deith of Tables
hermaphrodite - 1/3 Sponge - 1/3 Sand - 1/3 Weasel

Chorlibar - Goddess of Green Tables
long & flat - scaley & hairy - squeaky voice - favorite number is nine

Hexbemmir - God of Forgotten Lunches
demon with three mouths - pink balloon belly - 777 teeth - large, fluffy, white beard, like marshmallow - dainty earrings

& th list continues.

Discoflux & Hell

For some days have I lain in bed with sickness, not working. A wicked cold consumed me, & thus I rested. Today, I returned to th fold, although not to th school I've gone to exclusively for th past several months. Now that my class' teacher hath returneth, my school doesn't need me every day. So I hooked myself up to th good 'ol Wheel of Misfortune (i.e. th substitute teacher automated phone service), reported myself "available," & they sent me deep into th depths of hell.

Yes, if I were to assemble a Top Five Worst Submarine Teaching Days list, this would be on it.

Alright. I had gotten used to this sort of thing, but for a while I found myself in a more stable & comfortable position. Now, 'tis back to th fold. So be it. Someone has to shovel shit in hell, why not Androse?

Actually, I find myself in a surprisingly good mood today, considering. Perhaps because I can breathe through my nose again.

I almost forgot!
HAPPY DISCOFLUX!

day of 4

Hi.

My fourth day of submarining in th same class comes to an end in a short while, as I type away at th absent teacher's computer & such. Things have gone pretty well today, & at this moment, they play gym. After tomorrow, I can identify this as my first 5-day week since beginning submarining in general. I will appreciate suchness when upon my doorstep does arrive my checky.

FNORD

Of late, I do study th tarot, for it seems interesting as a symbol-system for fun-having & life-processing & other such hyphenated phrases. My studies do take place upon th website identified as learntarot.com. I take notes & do thinkings. I own not a deck at this time.

Place of doing in future times with femur.

Me: You do good work, but you sometimes get distracted. You have to try harder to keep working hard even when other students are talking to you and making noise.
Kid: I get distracted because I hear voices.
Me: Yes, the other students can be distracting, but you can work harder to ignore them.
Kid: No, not other students. I hear voices in my head.
Me: Oh. . . ok, well. . . that can be distracting, too. . . .

FNORD

I find myself in the interesting position of filling in for a teacher who may be absent from school for three to six weeks due to a broken femur. This is a special education school, special for a variety of very special reasons, a school I've been to a lot & enjoy - endlessly weird & complex & chaotic. After my second day with this class, I can say I think so far, things are going pretty smoothly.

There are six kids (although I'm told that one of them never comes), all boys, all at different levels of maturity, cognitive functioning & social confusion. I get along with them & they seem to respect me. It's a good thing. We're going to be together for a while. I consider it quite fortunate that I have an excellent teacher aide in the class with me, experienced & ready for anything. Together, we will kick bottom.

Such is things.

FNORD

I have new glasses.